Of Dwarves and Fanfiction
by ParumLuter
Summary: The Company of Thorin Oakenshield discover fanfiction... One-shot, crack!fic. DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE HOBBIT


**Hello to my third one-shot! Hope you all enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed typing it! It takes place when the Company are searching the troll hoard in AUJ :)**

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"Everyone, fan out!" Thorin commanded, sweeping a gaze over the flies and bones. Bilbo felt himself become nauseous. "Let's see what's in here."

"Mahal knows what lies in this flea-ridden place," Dwalin growled.

Bilbo ambled around the entrance of the cave, not wanting to explore its depths. He felt a bit uncomfortable, loitering around, but he didn't think he'd find anything particularly of interest in there.

"My dear fellow," Gandalf approached him, the tip of his staff gleaming faintly to navigate himself around the troll hoard. "Why don't you search for something? There might be some things that could attract your interests."

"Well, I doubt any hobbits have had a run in with trolls," Bilbo retorted. "The trolls didn't recognise what I was when they first saw me."

"Trolls aren't very clever," the wizard pointed out. "Plus, the unfortunate hobbit might not have lived to see the tale, let alone tell it to others."

Bilbo gulped.

"Such a shame to leave this all lyin' around," he heard Bofur say wistfully. "Anyone could take it."

"I think Master Bofur might've found something," Gandalf said, as they heard some _clinks_ and _clanks, _followed by a shout of triumph. "I shall go explore myself—if you find something of interest, don't hesitate to call me."

_Yeah, yeah._ Bilbo started kicking up the dirt and leaves in the cave. He was so bored.

Suddenly, his foot skimmed a smooth surface. Hesitating, he kicked again, to make sure he didn't imagine it.

_Okay, there's definitely something here_. He looked down. There, gleaming back at him in the pale sunlight, was a silver, smooth surface. Quickly, he crouched down and began brushing leaves out of the way. He had soon unearthed a silvery object about the size of a dinner plate, but rectangular in shape. It had an engraving of an apple on it.

"What's that you've got there?" A shadow fell upon him. He looked up to see Dwalin peering curiously at the object between Bilbo's hands. He swept off the last remains of dirt and leaves and picked it up. It felt heavy, but was rather thin.

"I don't know," the hobbit confessed. "Should we tell Gandalf?"

"Aye, it looks like sorcery to me," Dwalin grunted.

"What's tha' you've got there, Bilbo?" Bofur arrived, followed closely by Gloin and Nori.

"I don't know," Bilbo was getting tired of answering questions he didn't know. His arms were also beginning to ache from holding the mysterious object for too long. "I'm going to ask Gandalf."

"C'mon, let's get out of this foul place," _Finally!_ Bilbo thought. Thorin was heading out, Gandalf not far behind. Both were holding new sword sheaths.

"What's that?" he asked rudely, jabbing a finger at the object.

"That, Master Thorin," Gandalf looked at the object, something like curiosity gleaming in his eyes. "Is something I must explain. Bilbo, could you please set it outside on a flat surface?"

Confused by this odd request, he went outside and placed it onto the dirt. The other dwarves outside abandoned whatever they were doing and looked at the object.

"What is it?"

"Is it some kind of weapon?"

"What does it do?"

"Please," Gandalf held up his staff. "Let me explain. This object is known as a 'laptop'."

"Weird," Dori muttered.

"I have heard tales of travelling Men, who claimed they came from different lands. They wore strange clothing, and seemed more advanced in their ways of thinking. Some of these Men carried objects like these," He used his staff to poke this "laptop".

"Is it a weapon?" Kili's eyes were wide with wonder.

"No, Master Kili," Gandalf replied. "Tis a book of sorts. It holds much information. Fortunately, I was fortunate enough to come across one of these Men, and I learnt how to operate one." Swiftly, he descended onto the laptop and broke it half.

"You broke it!" Gloin exclaimed. But Bilbo could see, by some strange miracle, that it wasn't broken. Gandalf, somehow, had bent the object at an angle so that it was like an open book. On the top half was a black surface made of a shiny, hard material. On the bottom half was a number of silver switches with characters on them.

"Hey!" he shouted in surprise. "I recognise some of the letters on these switches!"

"Yes, Bilbo. And Master Gloin, I did not break it, I simply opened it. Some of the characters on the _keys_ are part of the language the traveller called 'English'."

"What happens when you press these switches?" Thorin was amazed as he looked at the laptop.

"You can try, if you want to," Gandalf offered. "This will start up the laptop. But press lightly."

Slowly, Thorin touched one of the keys and jerked it back quickly, as if the laptop would bite him. To Bilbo's astonishment, the black surface became blue, and a picture of a flower appeared on it. It was emitting a light not unlike the one on Gandalf's staff.

"What is this Gandalf?" Ori asked, slightly backing away.

"This, Master Ori, is what they call their 'home screen',"

"Like a house?" Fili's brow furrowed.

Gandalf threw his hands up in exasperation. "Let me explain once I've logged on."

Too awed by this laptop to complain or ask what "logged on" meant, they stepped back and let Gandalf do whatever he wanted to do. He pressed some of the "keys" on the laptop and suddenly, the home screen changed to a picture of kittens.

"That's cute." Nori remarked.

"Indeed Master Nori. Now just let me open this window," He turned to the Company and pointed at a rectangular indent below the keys of the laptop. "This is called a 'track pad' and when you put your finger on it and move it around," He demonstrated, as he pointed to a white arrow on the screen. "This 'cursor' also moves around."

"This is beyond any skill of craft I've seen," Thorin looked at the track pad. "And where did you say this traveller came from?"

"She said she came from the future," Gandalf answered, moving his finger on the track pad. "The future must not have changed much, as she knew where she was, and she knew who I was. In fact, Bilbo, she asked for your cousin, Frodo."

"What would she want with _Frodo?_" Bilbo was confused. "In fact, how would she know him?"

"Never mind," Gandalf turned back to the screen. He moved the cursor to a picture of an 'e', and pressed a switch on the track pad. Instantly, the screen turned white. Blue and black writing began to appear.

"Fanfiction…dot…net," Bilbo read aloud. He looked at the wizard. "What's that?"

"It is a collection of books and stories," Gandalf pressed a white bar on the screen. "Written by various people on various topics. Who would like to search for a topic?"

"I do," Thorin contemplated for a moment. "Could you search up 'Thorin'?"

"Indeed," Gandalf pressed a few switches and the screen changed. Suddenly, a number appeared, followed by lots of little boxes with words in them.

"These are the stories that you can choose from," Gandalf explained. "The number at the top there explains how many stories there are."

"Wow," Bilbo breathed. "There's a lot."

"Indeed, Master Burglar," Thorin peered at the screen. "Can we read the first one? It has Dwalin's name on it too."

"I do not think that would be wi-"Gandalf started, but he was interrupted.

"That's weird," Fili scratched his head. "Why is there a line between Dwalin's and Uncle's name."

"There is a line there because-"

"What does 'smut' mean?" Kili pressed.

"I'm not going to tell you that. My advice is to choose another story!"

"And why is that?" Thorin's eyes glittered. "I want to know what is being written about me."

"And me!" Dwalin shouted, determined not to be left out.

Gandalf's face was set—he had given up. "So be it. But I shall not take part in the reading of this."

"Master Burglar, move this 'cursor' and choose the story to read." The triumphant dwarf ordered. Bilbo fumbled with the track pad for a bit, before finally resting the cursor on the box and clicked it. Words began to appear on the screen, and the Company minus Gandalf crowded around the laptop, and eagerly began to read what was written there.

Eagerness turned to confusion.

Confusion turned to horror.

The dwarves began backing away from the screen. Ori actually shrieked, as Dori tried to clamp his hands over his younger brother's eyes. Dwalin and Thorin, who were crouching down next to each other as they read, quickly began to scoot away as if the other had germs. They refused to look at each other for the rest of the day.

And thus, the Company were introduced to fanfiction. The slash kind.

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**Comments? Criticism? Both are welcome!**

**To my AUJTAAU readers: A new chapter will be up tomorrow ;)**

**See you all next year!**


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